


Queer Eye for the Tech Guy

by huxduxtuxlux



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Crack, M/M, Queer Eye crossover, Techinician, it's just goofy don't expect anything serious, kylux adjacent, makeover show, queer eye, reality show
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-07-07 14:42:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15910347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huxduxtuxlux/pseuds/huxduxtuxlux
Summary: Techie didn't sign up for this...





	1. Prologue

Techie hung up the phone, in a daze. The producer said something about weeks. Weeks! In just a few weeks he was supposed to be getting ready to be on TV? No, he didn't sign up for this. It was a shock to him, and serendipitous that he actually answered the call instead of letting it go to voicemail, as he typically he did. They would be sending over releases soon, contracts, all that stuff. What had Armitage gotten him into?

He gave him a call. Pacing, wondering why he didn't just tell the producer "no fucking way" and hang up, Techie waited for his brother to pick up. 3 and a half rings, then he clicked on. Typical.

"Armitage Hux speaking," he answered. Techie rolled his eyes. He knew Armie screened his calls and must realize he's speaking to his younger brother, and yet, Armitage was always formal. Just in case.

"Why did you nominate me for a TV show? I don't even like talking to the grocery store cashiers!"

Armie sighed. "That's exactly why." He paused. "Wait! So that means they called you? They picked you?!"

"Armie, this isn't-"

"You're going to be on TV, Tech!"

"But I-"

"They're going to change your life!"

"I don't-"

"I'm so excited! I knew they'd pick you, Ben kept saying I was getting my hopes up, that's why I didn't tell you, I didn't want to get your hopes up too, but in my heart I knew-"

"Armie! Stop!" Techie collapsed into his beanbag chair, from which little styrofoam beads bled out. "I don't want to be on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!"

"Techie, it isn't 'Queer for the Straight Guy' anymore, that's the old branding. Now it's 'Queer Eye' for, like, anybody. For you!"

"A makeover television show seems like the absolutely worst place for me. The last place I'd ever want to be! Cameras in my face, loud people touching my stuff and my hair, fast-paced segments with dancing interludes, avocado snacks?? It's not for me."

"So you told the producer 'no,' then?"

"Um...well, I was going to, but then I was just so in shock that I forgot to."

"So you're going to call them back?"

"I...can you do that?"

"Techie."

"What?"

"You want to do this!"

"No, I don't."

"If you didn't, you'd've said no. You've never had trouble saying 'no' to things you don't want to do."

"This is different."

Techie could practically hear Armitage shaking his head. "No, it's not. You're reluctant and hesitant, sure, nervous, anxious. Of course you are. But don't you think there's a part of you that wants to see what'll happen?"

And that's how Techie ended up as the subject of an episode of Queer Eye.


	2. One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Techie meets the Fab 5 and they find their mission tougher than they expected.

"Ok, ladies, so," Jonathan begins summarizing Techie's profile to his cohorts in the car. They're all glad he's reading and Karamo's driving -- the last time Jonathan drove, everyone was a little afraid. "This week we're meeting William Hux but he goes by 'Techie.' 26, 6 foot 1, 160-pound ginger, mm.'"

"And what does Techie do? Tech?" asks Tan.

"Yes, it says he's recently been promoted to Lead Programmer at his company which means new responsibilities involving managing and interacting with other people."

"I'm guessing that's not one of his strengths?" says Bobby.

"You guessed right, Bobbers. Techie's older brother Armitage nominated him because, according to him, 'Techie talks to about four people and he's related to all of them. He's terrified of social interaction.' His brother just wants him to succeed in his job and learn to date a little."

"Wait, learn to date? He's 26 and never dated?" Antoni is astounded.

"If he's that socially stunted, we're gonna have our work cut out for us, boys." sighs Karamo.

"Well what's his style like?" asks Tan. "Get to the interesting stuff."

"Armitage says Techie exclusively wears cargo shorts or too-big jeans, baggy tee-shirts, and scuffed sneakers. He wears the same three outfits and puts no effort into his look. His hair is a long greasy mess and he has no skin care routine to speak of." Jonathan shakes his head in dismay. "This poor baby."

"And the home?" Asks Bobby.

"This'll be fun for you, Bobbers!" exclaims Jonathan. "He just bought a 2-bedroom craftsman bungalow a few months ago, and has pretty much no decor to speak of. Apparently, he's still sleeping in a twin bed."

Horrified exclamations of "no!" arise from the backseat. 

"I mean, doesn't sound like he needs anything bigger. I'm sure he's sleeping alone," says Tan.

"Do we know if he's interested in anybody?" asks Antoni.

"Armitage says Techie's been crushing on a co-worker for at least a year now, but is terrified to do anything but make small talk once every few months. Aww!"

"Alright, our job is to teach Techie some social skills and instill some confidence in him." States Karamo. "And for that, we may need to work from the outside, in."

 

* * * * * * * *

 

When the Fab Five pull up in front of Techie's lovely yellow house, Armitage is trying and failing to coax Techie out of his bedroom.

"I can't be the one to answer the door, Tech! It's your episode!"

"I don't wanna do it, I changed my mind!"

"Techie," settles at the foot of his bed. "Do you like your life right now?"

Techie shrugs. "Yeah, it's alright."

"Alright isn't good enough. God, aren't you lonely?"

"I mean, sometimes, but isn't everyone? I've got you and Ben and Rey, at least. And I've been thinking about adopting a turtle."

Armitage shakes his head. "If that's enough for you, great. But I don't think it is. Don't you want a partner?"

"I guess some day, when I'm-"

"Stop saying 'when I'm older' or 'when I'm grown up.' You're almost 27! Adulthood is well underway, my friend."

"But-"

The doorbell cuts him off. Techie's dark blue eyes grow wide with fear. 

"Go get it," says Armitage.

"I can't."

"Techie. Go."

A loud, sing-songy "hellooooo?" can be heard on the front steps.

"I'll carry you to the door and throw you outside if you don't get up. Now!"

"Christ, you can be awfully mean sometimes, Armie." Techie pulls his sweatshirt tight around him and shuffles into the living room, where he takes a deep breath and pulls open the door.


	3. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for Techie's life to get messed with!

Armitage insisted on waiting in the bedroom, saying Techie needed to meet the Fab 5 on his own. As soon as Techie opened the front door, he unleashed a flurry of catty remarks and a hurricane of his personal effects being thrown about.

"I don't even know where to start in here," Bobby bemoans, upending couch cushions and picking dirty clothes off the floor. "It smells like Doritos and loneliness."

Jonathan makes a beeline for Techie and begins petting his hair. Techie tries his best not to rudely recoil. "Oh my god, look at this poor greasy bb. Honey, you look like Anne of Green Gables got addicted to heroin, ya poor thing!"

Ouch.

"Now tell me, darling, is this a typical look for you?" Tan asked, surveying Techie's stained yellow tee-shirt and baggy cargo shorts. Techie nodded. Tan looked on the verge of tears.

From the kitchen, Antoni called, "When's the last time you ate a fruit or vegetable? And no, orange soda does not count!"

Karamo sighed sympathetically and led Techie to the dining room table while the rest of the gang continued to judge his poor life choices.

"So, Techie. I wanna get to know you a little bit," Karamo began kindly.

"Um, ok," Techie answered.

"Your brother's goals for you were that you'd gain some confidence and become a bit more social, and begin taking some steps towards finding a partner. Do you hold those same goals for yourself?"

"Uh, I guess so. I mean, I don't really want a bustling social life, but like...some social competence would be kind of nice."

"And you'd like to be in a relationship?"

Techie froze. Shrugged one shoulder.

"Why the hesitation?"

Techie's voice was low, barely more than a whisper. "It just doesn't seem all that likely. I don't want to want it if it isn't gonna happen."

Karamo made a face of heartbreak at the camera. 

"Have you ever been in a relationship, Techie?"

Techie shook his head. 

"And why is that?"

"I dunno how to talk to people. And people think I'm weird."

"Well, we're gonna fix that. We're going to take you from Tech Guy to Super Fly. Aren't we, boys?"

The rest of the Fab Five appeared with a collective "Yasss!" Thus ushering in the beginning of the transformation process.

* * * * *

The hair came first.

"So listen," Jonathan began as he sat Techie down in the salon chair. "Usually we don't start with hair but I think this is gonna be a Big Thing TM, you feel me? Like the instant I saw your brother," Jonathan gestured to Armitage, who leaned against the wall for moral support, "I realized, OMG this guy has the potential to be SO HOT like we just gotta do a little trimmy-trim here, a little deep condish there, and you're gonna slay, mmkay?"

Techie just nodded. Jonathan spoke a bit to fast for him to follow. 

"So have you always had long hair?" Jonathan asked as he began to shampoo. Techie was deeply uncomfortable with a stranger touching his hair and massaging his scalp. One of the reasons he didn't frequent the barber shop.

"Since college." Techie answered.

"Since we moved out from under the thumb of Captain Crew Cut Dad." Armitage quipped.

"Ooh, a little rebellion, hmm?"

"I dunno," Techie said. "It just felt more like me."

 

Back in the chair, Jonathan partially blow-dried Techie's hair and prepared to cut. "Now look at how much better you already look, just after a good solid wash! How often do you wash your hair, usually?"

Techie just grimaced in the mirror. Jonathan looked to Armitage in horror, who shook his head and said, "better that you don't know." Jonathan scrunched up his nose and got to snipping.

25 minutes later, Techie's new 'do was complete. Jonathan had taken about two inches of dead ends off so it landed just below his shoulders, and he had added a couple very subtle layers to flatter his face. He also moved Techie's part to just above his left eye, giving him a flattering asymmetry that read edgy yet approachable. He also gave Techie a straight razor shave and conditioned the hell out of his hair so it was the gleaming, gorgeous red it was meant to me, as opposed to a dirty, rusty, greasy tangle. 

"God, I would literally kill for this color," Jonathan sighed. 

Techie sat, speechless. 

Armitage was grinning from ear to ear. "Tech? Don't you love it? You look amazing." 

Techie stroked a strand of hair as if trying to reconcile that it came from his own head.

Jonathan started gassing him up in the mirror. "Honey, do you realize all it took was a good shave, a good wash and condition, and a trim to take you from a 4 to a 12? I mean, that's a real fast glow-up."

"I...I can't believe that's me." Techie said quietly. Armitage and Jonathan exchanged satisfied smiles. Things were off to a good start.


	4. Three

Next, it was Karamo and Antoni's turn to take Techie out for a day of skill-building and inner-growth. 

First, they went to pizza shop, where Antoni led a lesson on creating a variety of healthy and personalized pizzas. He wanted Techie to put carrots on one of his pies, which Techie found disturbing, but they compromised by adding other vitamin-packed veggies like tomatoes, spinach, peppers, kale, onion, and even broccoli. Antoni made Techie promise he'd start making these for himself instead of popping a Digiorno Supreme in the oven, but aren't some promises meant to be broken?

After they left their pizza digest, it was time for something athletic. Ugh. A knot of dread formed and tightened in the pit of Techie's stomach. There was an episode where they made a guy box - they wouldn't make him do that, would they? He was far too fragile, it wouldn't be fair!

Techie breathed a sigh of relief when they pulled up in front of a climbing gym. Was he scared of heights? Oh, definitely, but not nearly as much as being punched in the face.

"Climbing," Karamo began, "is about endurance, flexibility, and confidence. But it's also about puzzles and problem-solving. That's kind of in your wheelhouse, isn't it?"

"The puzzles and problem-solving part, I guess," Techie shrugged. "Not the others."

Antoni smirks. "What about flexibility? Your brother said you can put your feet behind your head."

Karamo's face lights up. "No way! Let me see!"

"Nuh-uh," Techie answered. "I mean, I can, but I'm not doing it on TV."

A producer has gone inside to tell the climbing center staff that the crew is ready to film, and they should start sending patrons home. She sticks her head out now and waves to the car, letting them know they should start heading in. They want to let Techie, Karamo, and Antoni acclimate to the center a bit before they start rolling. 

As they head in, Techie's distracted by the massive height of the walls, and bumps into a large, warm, familiar-smelling wall of a person. Before realizing who it is, he's mumbling, "oh, sorry," but is cut off by:

"Techie, hey!" It was Matt, a technician in a department down the hall from Techie's own. They ate lunch together in the cafeteria most days, but talked little. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. You look...your hair!"

Techie felt every inch of his skin turn red. "Uh, hi, Matt. What are you...you climb?"

"Yeah, couple times a week. Kickboxing and running are my main sports but I like to mix it up and climb some, too. Good for my core and all that. You a climber?"

"No, uh, this is my first time...I'm with..." Techie gestured to Antoni and Karamo, who were watching the exchange intently, giggling like gossiping school girls.

"Oh my god, is that who I think it is?" Matt was dumbstruck. "And the haircut...Techie, oh my god, are you on Queer Eye?"

Techie huffed, embarrassed. He didn't want to seem like he needed some superheroes to help him get his life together. Even if it was true. "Uh, yeah. And we gotta go, actually, so um...bye."

Techie walked away briskly while Matt called, "Okay, see you at work!"

Around the corner and alone, Techie sat on a bench with his head in his hands, trying to come down from that awkward interaction. Karamo and Antoni sat down beside him with smirks on their faces.

"Your co-worker digs you," Karamo said. 

"Big time," Antoni added.

Techie scoffed. "No, he doesn't."

"Please!" Karamo began imitating Matt's gruff, terse voice. "'I work out, I have a good core, you look great, I'm in love with you.' He's obsessed."

"Shut up," Techie laughed and rolled his eyes, but there was a sadness to it. He would've loved for Matt to be into him, but it just wasn't realistic. Matt was smart, athletic, handsome, strong. And Techie was...nothing.

"Wait, he's not the co-worker you've been crushing on, is he?" Antoni asked excitedly.

Techie stayed silent.

"Oh my god this is great news!" Karamo clapped. "This is such an easy one! You like him, he likes you, you're both a bit awkward and shy, so we just gotta push you together and there you go! We can totally facilitate that!"

"What's his name??"

And so Techie told them. About Matt, and how they ate lunch together in companionable silence. Occasionally they talked about a video game or a work project, but such conversations were brief, usually a few sentences from each party, and then a return-of-focus to their sandwiches. He talked about how he didn't hear Matt laugh often, but one time Techie told a joke he'd overheard and Matt's laughter rang clear and bright in his ears, and all he wanted was to hear that laugh again and again. He told them how the first time he noticed him, Techie was precariously carrying a pile of code manuals, his laptop, and a few iPads, and in swooped Matt, asking if he could help him, explaining that he was new but wanted to be a team player. Techie took one look at that eager-to-please smile and those golden curls and he was gone. So yeah, Techie had been sitting on this crush for nearly two years now, telling no one but his brother and sister-in-law about it, knowing nothing would come of it. And nothing had.

"Techie, no." Karamo sighs. "In the, what, 30 seconds we watched him talk to you? I could see how he looked at you. He's interested. Did you see it, Antoni?"

Antoni affirmed Karamo's observations.

Techie felt strange, confused, as if someone just told him he'd actually been living on Mars his whole life. "Um, can we not...can we start climbing?"

So climb they did.


	5. Four

The climbing was fine until he witnessed a young woman break her ankle jumping down from her climb, and then Techie vowed in his head to never return to that godforsaken sport. Antoni and Karamo dropped off at Armie's to shower, and then Tan picked him up for the style portion of his makeover.

They went to a store that was far too expensive for Techie to even breathe in, he thought, but Tan strode in like he owned the place and dragged Techie behind him. A section had been set up for them near the dressing rooms, with pressed clothes hanging on z carts, waiting next to stacks of shoe boxes.

"I'm so excited to get you into some clothes that fit!" Tan exclaimed. He must've noticed Techie's discomfort because he asked, "why don't you like to wear clothes that fit?"

Techie shrugged. "I'm too skinny and long. I don't want to, like, accentuate my stick figure."

"See, now that's where your wrong! When you wear baggy clothes, it makes you look skinnier, because you're drowning in them! In something fitted, you'll look filled out. And layers, especially, can be helpful. But you're not TOO skinny, Techie. You have a great body."

Techie flushed red and stared at the shoes. He pointed to a pair of navy Chuck Taylors. "Um, I like those."

Tan smiled. "I thought you might. We're going for geek chic, and comfy casual cool. Nice, clean sneakers like Converse and Vans, or some edgier Doc Martens, will be your staple shoes. An assortment of fitted pants and jeans - some skinny, some straight leg, some neutral denims, grays, blacks, and khakis, and maybe a few brighter teals or reds?"

"Teal pants? I can't wear teal pants."

"Can't you though?" Tan shoved Techie in a fitting room and tossed teal skinny jeans, a vintage X-Men tee-shirt, and a light denim button up over the door.

Techie dressed, and was surprised to find no mirrors in the fitting room. When he came out, Tan had classic black Vans waiting for him. Techie slipped them on and Tan situated him in front of a mirror.

"Now, we roll the sleeves like this," Tan rolled the sleeves of the denim shirt to just below Techie's elbows, and straightened the color. He left it open and adjusted the tee-shirt beneath. Then he slapped a black leather watch on Techie's wrist and smiled.

"Look number one! Perfect for a casual day at work, or going to the movies. What do you think?"

Techie studied himself in the mirror and was surprised to find that he didn't see a stranger. His clothes were clean, fitted, unstained, and high-quality, but it did look like him. Like something he'd pick for himself if he had a little more shopping know-how. "I look like me, but...cool."

Tan clapped his hands in delight, then shoved Techie back into the fitting room for the next look.

The next look was army-green fitted chinos, a just-oversized-enough grayish blue cable knit sweater, light blue Chucks, and some Star Wars socks for good measure. Techie almost looked chic! Tan arranged a navy cashmere scarf around his neck to complete the look. Techie's delight was obvious.

"I never want to make people dress like someone else. This feels like you, doesn't it?" Tan asked.

Techie nodded and turned this way and that in the mirror. "I love how it brings out your eyes, too," said Tan, and Techie had to agree. The shiny light red of his hair against the blue wasn't a bad look, either. 

"I'm putting together a wardrobe for you that should be pretty mix and matchable. You shouldn't have to think hard about putting things together." Tan said. "Your brother gave me a list of the video games and comic books and music and all that that you like, and I gathered a lot of stylish graphic tees to reflect that. Some things you can wear over those, like the chambray top or a bomber jacket, or a nice cardigan. All sorts of pants and sneakers. And some lovely, cozy sweaters like this one. To up the chicness a bit, I got you a variety of nice watches and leather bracelets. And, lastly..."

Tan pulled out a small case from behind him. "Your eyes always look red and irritated, and your brother said it's because all you do is stare at screens! And of course, we know you have to for your job, so we found a solution." He handed the case to Techie, who opened it. Inside were three pairs of glasses - one light brown, one black, and one navy.  
"These have blue light filters that will protect your eyes from the screens. Plus they can be a very chic accessory!" 

Tan carefully pulled out the navy pair and stood on his tiptoes to place them on Techie's face. He gave his hair a bit of a fluff, then stepped back to admire his masterpiece. "God, I'm good," he smiled. 

Techie had to agree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out some outfit style boards here!
> 
> http://saltyseaz.tumblr.com/post/179064719197/some-techie-outfits-from-queer-eye-for-the-tech


End file.
